bureaucracy they told me I need my marriage license I don’t but they convinced me I do the picture is bad my face is fat my body is fat it’s lucky I’m beautiful it is not yet time for me to have a REAL ID now I have flimsy paper and a plastic card with voids in it that spell void I took a vacation day, for this? I suppose I don’t want to be invalid for my birthday
a million years ago it was a day of hard things I don’t remember the things but I remember the exhaustion my apartment didn’t have water I was tired you invited me over you ran a bath you gave me a glass of wine I soaked and your cats looked at me curious and worried and one of them let me pet ’em, not minding the water and that moment is one I can call upon at whim I revisit how cared for I felt how when you said “it’s no trouble” I believed you how I let go, and I just soaked
I soaked and your cats looked after me and you looked after me and it was magic
Taking the race question off of applications doesn’t help, it makes it so white people can think even less about their role in systematic oppression.
There is box I want banned.
Me? I’m doing my best to provide and share intellectual resources. I’m studying and crying about the past, the atrocities of the present. Feeling sad about how shock dissipates, as the past and present echo, horrors feel predictable. Arguing with friends but mostly avoiding bigots. Writing poetry when I can’t not. Sometimes I protest, but not as much I feel I could. I still have more first-hand experience than most of my ivory tower peers. Honestly, mostly I hide. I hide out of fear of the state / the ugliness of police / the intensity of the feeling of protest and sense of community that overwhelms me. Right now? I hide because there is a plague. Often, I vote and worry I’m doing nothing.
because you are trying to protect yourself from something by saying it hurts dumb people, so it can’t hurt me but it can
because Darwinism isn’t about what you think it is about because Darwin isn’t about what you think he is because my relationship to the history of science and to the history of faux science runs deep, and the meaning of your statement expands in my mind way beyond what you mean and it fills me with despair
you wish death on people you relish the idea of a deserved death inside a mad world where death comes to the people helping us to the people helping them
also Social Darwinism is steeped in a history of rich American racism a racism that is reflected in the deaths in my city why is this killing black people? because the society we live in doesn’t believe black lives matter I don’t know how to navigate when you say ‘Darwinism’ what I hear is I don’t understand history I don’t understand science I’m scared I’m angry I want to feel in control of the uncontrollable
and to me it means you are just as bad as the people you wish harm on and I don’t know how to explain I am too interested in the history of science I am steeped in pop science and faux science of the past I can’t explain to you that this isn’t what Darwin would have wanted that this isn’t how evolution works this isn’t about evolution, or Darwin or Social Darwinism
you don’t know about the racist history of science the intersections of eugenics and meaning-making
every time I read your comments of – Let Darwinism take them out – Give them a Darwin award I hear an echo of a history of racism and hatred that I can’t convey I don’t know how to explain it’s a history deep and old and it isn’t about science and it is about hatred and division and
please stop it please don’t say it anymore I don’t want to read it every time I do I revisit a history you don’t care about and I can’t stop you
you say ‘natural selection’ with a sneer like it will protect you like it will save you and that isn’t how it works you’re looking at death and making it the other
the facebook snooze function saves friendships if you don’t like what I’m saying now try snoozing me disappear my posts for 30 days and after that time I’ll likely be the same, but maybe you’ll have grown snooze me snooze friends snooze family snooze frienimes snooze strangers snooze at will (and don’t forget to snooze Will) happy snoozing
I don my grandmother’s sweater as if to protect me from the world but to go into the battle of my first virtual departmental meeting I look forward to the familiar faces I haven’t seen working from home scared for the world overwhelmed doing my best soon poetry month starts what is this librarian to do? don my grandmother’s sweater feel her warmth she survived the last pandemic I imagine if she was here she would be kind and wise and help me see the good in the world there is a lot of good in the world I want to be good in the world the world feels far away it is a great sweater